Official Rules of Hobo-try

After much campfire discussion this evening, it was determined that there need to be some unofficial official rules for whenever anybody hangs out with a bunch of hobos. The most important of all these rules is that they are mine and the second most important rule is that I make them up as I go. As long as you pay attention to those cardinal rules, you're golden, though I utterly loathe that particular phrase. Why I just opted to use it, nobody will ever know.
So in no particular order, here are the remaining Rules of Hobo-try:

• Somebody must always be referred to as Hobo Billy Bone
• Any beverage located within a paper bag is considered hobo juice
• Hobos are only able to afford moccasins
• The official fire-starting theme song is "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel
• Fires get better once you kick them
• Always have an assortment of knives, wooden clubs, and machetes at your disposal
• Public gatherings should always occur around campfires
• Whenever a fire sparks, it means it doesn't appreciate your attitude
• If your hands get cold, pick up a flaming log to warm them up
• List writing should not occur on flammable materials that can be easily dropped into the fire
• You must have read at least one book from the Boxcar Kids series
• Always say "inertial motion" three-times fast
• Catchphrase of the hipster hobo is: "It's not my cup of tea, it's my bag of Pepsi."
• Don't accidentally slice off a part of your finger with a hatchet
• Rule #42 is you don't leave before a fire is out
• The Little Dipper is forever off clubbing baby seals
• Rule #43 is you put fires out yourself
• One must wear a knit cap with a pen sticking out from it so the shadow of a pen looks like a scar on your face
• The majority of the rules must involve fire
• Hobos are not to be arsonists
• There much be much laughter when gathered with other hobos
• Always stare into the flames of a fire in a contemplative manner
• Remember that life is not all about you
• God is in charge of your life
• Tostito's are an essential snack
• The list of rules is never ending and can be added to at any time when necessary

It's Funny Because I Thought About It

So last night I was out with friends at an Italian restaurant in Kutztown. It was a post-birthday birthday dinner extension whatever you wanna call it. Regardless, it was free food for me so I was happy, not to sound like a complete selfish jerk. I was super ecstatic to see a dessert called peanut butter explosion. Of course somebody had to be silly enough to ask me what it was and I promptly responded by saying it was an explosion of peanut butter...cue eye roll and a chorus of sighs. I then proceeded to entertain the waitress because I wrote something down on my hand to remember despite the fact that I had a notebook sitting on my lap. I told her it was because I wanted to remember it for later and I couldn't lose my hand unless somebody chopped it off. (Though that might be cool because I could be the female version of Captain Hook). The group's conversation then progressed into wondering whether or not you actually get drunker by drinking beer through a straw and the fact that Lu's family now has 15 beds for 4 people, which is the total opposite from her childhood. As she put it, "Four teenagers in the same room...I don't recommend it." We also got talking about the Train song "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" and how awesome it was and I pointed out the irony of a crappy purple Scion being parked in the parking lot behind us.

On a sidenote, I find it really touching that one of my friend's trusts me enough to text at like 1am to see if I'm awake and then proceed to spill out honest issues and truly ask for my advice. It means the world to me to be utilized by God in such a manner and being blessed with encouraging words to pass on via the Holy Spirit. Knowing that they could go to anybody else but opting for little me just makes me feel like I have a purpose. Sure, this person could have been talking to like five other people at the same time, but regardless, she still felt compelled to contact me and pour her heart out to me, and I'm grateful and blessed to have been able to assist the best I could.

To go off on another tangent, at 9pm tonight my brother is flying to Germany and will be gone until the end of July. I don't think I have allowed myself to fully comprehend the gravity of this. Not being able to randomly text him or hang out for 3.5 months will be a bit of a change. It just reminds me about how things in this life can change so fast. One minute you can be in the midst of a career and the next, you're  leaving that behind for a foreign country. In a sense, that's happened to me, minus the whole traveling to a foreign country. I fully expected to be working within the field of exercise physiology following the completion of my Master's degree, but that hasn't been in the cards for me. Instead, my life has been unemployment, temp jobs, Samaritan's Purse volunteer work, and realizing I'm heading back to my own personal Ninevah. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm definitely not doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I think I'm on the right path. I have no bloody clue where that path is heading, but I'm happy to be on it and so utterly thankful for the people I've met along the way. I've discovered my true family in this process, which means more to me than any job or career ever could.

Take home points from my day:

• What came first, the cocaine or the brain aneurysm? 
• Paramore's new album is epic
• Everybody must read Sparkly Green Earrings
• It's best to laugh at life and yourself
• Reality can be painful and sobering, but must be accepted as is
• Accept all emotions from God, not just the good ones
• It's important to remember your life events
• The existence of the umbrella sword makes me happy inside

Quarter Century Reflections

Last night I had an early birthday dinner with my parents and brother. It was a tasty lasagna that I baked and a cake that my mom baked. Of course she used the candles that don't blow out, so I got a glass of water and dipped the candles in it since they wouldn't blow out. My brother was sweet and got me Oreos and a bouquet of roses. My dad gave me a sweet card that had a bookmark and said to keep reading and traveling, along with a large bag of mini Reese's cups. Madre got me two neon tanktops and a lovely card. Pretty awesome! I didn't realize until my brother was leaving, though, that it would be our last meal as a family until at least July since my brother is leaving for Germany next week.
Anyways, I turned 25 today. I'm not one who enjoys being the center of attention, so birthdays have a tendency to be a bit of a dilemma. I enjoy visiting people, but I don't want them to make a big deal over it or me. I also would much rather spend time with people than have them buy me presents because memories are what I really treasure, as opposed to material possessions. Overall, today was a fantastic day on many levels.
Despite the fact that I was functioning on three hours of sleep, I've enjoyed every minute of my birthday thus far. It was nice to get texts and Facebook messages from people, but I especially loved chilling with my favorite two month old. Getting to have naptime with Niklaus was super relaxing and just what I needed. Mama was nice enough to make me french toast for breakfast since I showed up at 10am, which was about 9 hours early for dinner according to Papa. I said it was because I wanted to make sure Mama didn't set it on fire by accident. J's Pop and Nan showed up for dinner, too, along with two friends and her sister Lu. Mama made an excellent spread of baked chicken, stuffed shells, Texas toast, meatballs, bowtie noodles, and sauce. To top it all off, they made me an icecream cake with chopped Oreos and Reese's cups and Skittles on top. The presents were lowkey and included a framed collage of pictures of me and the little guy, a 45 oz bag of Skittles and the book God Never Blinks, which has a bright orange cover...so me!
I think my favorite present, though, came from Hannah and KK from afar. They were at a flea market in Lewisburg and decided to make a video compilation singing me "Happy Birthday" in a variety of fashions that involved a creepy doll, mannequin heads, pictures of Dracula, and a roller skate with flowers jutting out of it. By far the sweetest and most hilarious thing anybody has ever done for me :)

Take home points from my day:

• Family is not all about DNA
• Correspond with those you love most no matter what
• I always end up getting random, extremely awkward advice from people such as you can wake up and eat at 2am but don't expect loving from a man who is fast asleep
• I'm an excellent multi-tasker
• My friends care more about me than I ever thought
• Moving in is not the same as passing through frequently

Five Hour Pancakes

Let me set the stage for you. I've been staying with a friend of mine who has a two month old; the cutest two month old ever, who is already a flirt. I see a budding mini Tony DiNizzo on the horizon. Needless to say, my sleep schedule and everybody else's in the house is a little less than normal because when the flirt wakes up, the majority of the house does too. This can make functioning throughout the rest of the day a little interesting to say the least.

Fast forward to about noon when Mama asks if we all would like pancakes. With a resounding yes, the griddle was warmed and ready for business! I opted to hold the little man while his ma ate her pancakes before I went to the kitchen for my serving of fresh pancakes. Papa was flipping over some pancakes when I got my plate of pancakes and returned to the living room. Mama insisted that I have seconds and to finish off the last of the pancakes so that there weren't any leftovers. Apparently she's realized the storage capacity of my so-called "hollow leg" and insists that I fill it to the brim with food. Once I had my fill of five pancakes, I chose to lay on the couch with the little man for the next four hours.

Four hours later, Mama walks into the living room clacking some hard brown objects together. She proceeded to tell us that I apparently did not ingest the last of the pancakes because she forgot about the four that were still cooking on the griddle and had been there for approximately five hours. Why we never smelled anything burning we'll never know, but chalk it up to some busy guardian angels! We also determined that five hour pancakes = not so instant hockey pucks. They also could be used to patch up holes in rusty car fenders, depending on your usage preference. Regardless, it makes for a funny story and Mama has since fired herself from working in the kitchen.

A little while later, the following conversation took place:

J: Can I go out on a limb here?

Me: Be careful!

J: Can I have an egg sandwich?

Mama: Now?

J: (insert sarcastic tone here) No, I'm putting in my order for tomorrow morning.

Me: Well, she figures it's gotta cook overnight (given the five hour pancake ordeal).

On a completely unrelated note, I opened the Sticky Notes application on my laptop and found some pretty awesome quotes that I typed from conversations I had with people. In no particular order we have:

"I used to be an altar boy. See I used to be close to God."..."Well what happened?"

"If you guys were in a sci-fi movie, you guys would be shot for noncompliance."

"The tank with no knees...sounds like a children's story."

"I'm not going for time. I'm going for don't break your ankle."

Take home points from my day:

• I got swayed, not suede the fabric
• Warning: if you go to grab the waffle box, beware of flying milk; it could knock you out
• Mama should attach smoke detectors to herself

Can You Hear Me Now?

I live in the middle of nowhere, or as my friend likes to call it, the sticky stix. It's relaxing, enjoyable, boring, unnerving, and isolating all at the same time. For the most part, I enjoy living in the country, but nobody ever comes to visit because nobody knows how to locate my house. Heck, the local police even think we live in a different county. We learned that one night when we called the non-emergency number to report that someone's horses were loose on our property. Thankfully it wasn't an emergency since the police would have gone somewhere 30 miles away.
Recently, our cell service has decided to get really bad again. We used to get two bars relatively consistently, but now it's mostly just one if any at all. I almost have to laugh because I can move my phone a millimeter and lose service and then exhale and it's back. This evening it took like an hour for some texts to come through, which is why my friends probably won't come visit. They'll lose their constant connectivity to the outside world whilst in the boonies. Those who aren't accustomed to this will end up feeling uneasy with a disconcerting feeling in the pit of their stomach, unless they truly desire an escape; then my home is like a sanctuary and a visit turns into a much needed vacation.

Take home points from my day:

• Be counter-cultural and stand up for what you believe in
• Gravitate towards those who truly appreciate you and are dependable
• It still snows even when it's springtime 
• USA and Mexico had a 0-0 tie in the soccer game last night

That's Not My Cup of Tea

Do you ever find yourself using catch-all or cliche phrases that have no relevance to your life? I've come to this realization recently because I have a tendency to say, "That's not my cup of tea." It seems like a harmless phrase (and it is, no nuclear attacks spring forth from it I promise), but it completely lacks relevance in my life. Anybody who knows me totally knows where I'm going with this. Those who don't, bear with me.
For starters, I don't enjoy hot beverages. I hate burning my tongue or the roof of my mouth, so I just opt out of any scalding beverages to avoid the misery. On top of that, I don't like tea of any form, including the iced version. So in all honesty, my utilization of the phrase, "That's not my cup of tea," is a blanket statement meaning that I don't like anything, since a cup of tea is never truly in high esteem in my life. Not exactly a mind blowing concept, but I should truly refrain from this phrase usage if nothing will ever be my cup of tea since tea is nonexistent in my lifestyle.

Take home points from my day:

• Talking while frying homemade fajitas greatly reduces their flexibility
• Homemade meals with friends are quite enjoyable
• I really must start watching bird documentaries
• Evolution cannot be applied to humans

Pet Peeves and Personal Issues

I'm normally a rather calm and mellow individual. My feathers aren't easily ruffled because I've been blessed with patience, but there are still a number of things that irk me. For starters, I'm currently peeved at ESPN2 for lying to me and making me miss the first 7 minutes of the Spain vs Finland World Cup qualifier. The game was supposed to be televised starting at 3:40pm, yet the station opted to discuss college basketball and top picks for the NFL draft rather than allow me to enjoy the start of the game. I'm not sure what bothers me more the fact that I was technically lied to, or the fact that a sporting network clearly doesn't care about soccer. If this had been the NFL playoffs, there would be an uproar! Speaking of the NFL, what's up with that combine? Any exercise physiologist could tell you that the whole event is pointless and not at all sport specific. Since when is there an instance in a game where somebody has to repeatedly bench 225 pounds or sprint, unimpeded, for 40 yards? Why this is still utilized to evaluate the talent of a player is beyond me.
While we're on the topic of sports, let me ask you this: When did it become okay for March Madness to implement a monopoly on all of the channels I typically watch? This annoyance began last night when I settled in to enjoy my Thursday evening by taking in episodes of Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, and Elementary. To my dismay, though, CBS was televising college basketball until the end of time. And they still are, might I add. To make things worse, March Madness has now spread to TBS and TNT, along with occupying CBS. Most shocking, though, is the fact that basketball will plague truTV, which typically functions as a crime/public idiot station. Maybe those in charge of the NCAA know something about those games that I don't and crime and public idiocy will still be viewed. Time will tell, I guess.
Another channel that has been irritating me lately as of late is the History Channel. It used to be my favorite channel because I could learn things by watching Histories Mysteries, Unsolved History, Cities of the Underworld, and lengthy marathons on the Gestapo and World War II, which is why I so kindly referred to it as the Hitler channel. These days, though, it's a rare time that I can find anything remotely historical being televised. When did Ice Road Truckers and Swamp People teach us about our past? I'm not looking for modern day nonsense. If I wanted to watch that, I'd flip on MTV or TLC. (It's funny that The Learning Channel is what has the most ridiculous things on that promote polygamy, toddler beauty queens, and Honey Boo Boo). The only redeeming shows on History these days are Cowboys and Outlaws, Vikings, and The Bible. I'm pretty excited that The Bible miniseries exists to grasp the interest of this ever secular world. My only complaint about it involves last week's episode that showed the Wise Men at the birth of Jesus. For one, it's not historically accurate, but more astonishingly, it's not biblically accurate. The Book of Matthew clearly explains how they arrived to visit Jesus close to when he was two years old, which is why Herod Antipas went on a tirade and had all the male children who were two or younger murdered. Sure, some might tell me not to nitpick, but the arrival of the Magi was portrayed in a fashion that did not make any sense whatsoever, and I really wish that more care had been taken in the presentation of this story.
Now for the more mundane and random pet peeves that I hold dear. For instance, I can't stand microwaves that don't stop beeping when you open the door right away. It's like they're insisting on getting the last obnoxious word in even though I've already retrieved my food from its interior. These microwaves really make me want to yell, "Enough already!" before promptly smashing them with a sledgehammer. Phone alarms that refuse to function also annoy me to know end. It's like they are out to get me and don't want me to be on time for important events such as church or driving my brother to the German consulate. If i could, I'd use electroshock therapy on them so they'd get their act together, but alas, that would only cause it to short circuit and really not function properly.
Last, but certainly not least, is a personal issue I have that has manifested into a pet peeve out of my own ridiculousness. In order to keep bottles of soda from losing their fizziness, I always insist on tightening the caps as far as they can go to keep the carbonation under wraps. The problem that arises, though, is my inability to reopen the bottle once I've tightened the caps in such a manner. I've worn my palm raw attempting to remove the plastic caps, which is really frustrating when in the midst of a 12 hour roadtrip. Thankfully I have become creative in finding objects to use for traction when attempting to free the carbonation such as strips from my lint roller or a towel.

Take home points from my day:

• Four packs of chocolate chips and muffin mix are not the same as four packs of chocolate chip muffin mix
• I need to get excited about March Madness
• The name Xavi (pronounced shah-vee) amuses me
• My cat seems to have gained weight despite being on a diet

Long Drives, People Watching, and Bookstores

I find long drives to be very therapeutic. It's just me (and occasionally a passenger) and the open road prepared to rock out to some awesome tunes as I absorb the beautiful scenery and zooming cars. Today I happened to have the company of my brother to headbang to some old school New Found Glory as we chatted on our way to the Big Apple. We both have a similar distaste for New Jersey and commented on how we could have sworn the smell of the air changed (which honestly isn't much different than when I cross the bridge by Walmart going from Stroudsburg to East Stroudsburg). I figure not much good can come out of a place that promoted the show Jersey Shore, which is really just based on a bunch of drunks from Staaaten IIslaaand. The only plus is that there are no moose to avoid on the roadways like Maine. Luckily I like to drive or else the traffic halting every 5 miles for no apparent reason would have really driven me crazy. The drive went smoothly enough as I looped Park Avenue a handful of times waiting for my brother to come out of his appointment. I almost did something really cool and had the opportunity to drive through the Helmsley Building via the Park Avenue Viaduct (Viaduct...why a no chicken?) but talked myself out of it. Instead, on the way home we drove through Times Square just for kicks whilst in search of the Lincoln Tunnel entrance.
Now on to people watching. If you haven't discovered the beauty of this form of entertainment, you are truly missing out in life. You'll miss seeing a man walking his dog, yet looking directly up at the sky totally preoccupied to the point that he jerks to a stop when the dog stops to sniff a tree. On top of that, you'll miss out being confused by a woman carrying a sippy cup only to discover the man behind her carrying a baby girl who the sippy cup most likely belongs too, although one may not want to jump to too many conclusions via assumptions...then you're just a total ass. It's also pretty cool to see a man pedaling a bicycle with his two children on the back. Made me reminisce about my childhood briefly. Now the added bonus of people watching is when they come close enough that you can listen to their conversations and get to play the fun game of stifling your laughter so that they don't realize that you find them absolutely hilarious. For instance, a couple weeks ago I overheard some elderly man sharing a story with two of his friends in a Barnes & Noble. All I heard was that saw naked Norwegian man with an axe waded into a river in order to chop the ice. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up! Today the people that shared the icecream shoppe with me didn't let me down, either. This woman was going on and on about a stroller and then said that it was a gift to push her cat around in from her in-laws. Apparently the year before they gave her the cat. I wonder what she'll get next year as a gift. A kitty car? She then changed topics and mentioned something about college kids in costumes chasing her daughter or some girl down the street in office chairs. Trying to quell my laughter after that was darn near impossible because I kept wondering what kind of crazy life she lead, though she definitely brightened my day!
If I wasn't living out of my car and on the floors, couches, and beds of friends, I think I would set up camp in a used bookstore. I become so engrossed in all of the possible selections and I absolutely love the smell of old books! It's also great coming across new authors or new books by favorite authors. So many worlds can be discovered within a bookstore, and there are plenty of ridiculous signs and titles to laugh at. I mean, seriously, who puts the romance novels and Christian novels in the same section next to horror? That makes absolutely no sense! What's better is when the labels don't correspond to the book genre. Then I just like to figure out the possibility of how those books could relate to the topic anyway. But, dude, I really was amused by the children's book cover that said This Is Not My Hat, which had a fish swimming with a hat on. I am slightly intrigued and freaked out at how this could possibly happen in real life. I've also decided I might start reading books by Douglas Coupland just based on the fact that the titles of his books are awesome. Who wouldn't want to read Girlfriend in a Coma and Hey, Nostradamus!?

Take home points from my day:

• It might seem like I'm mooching off my parents, brother, and my friend's parents 
• If I say I want pasta, it means I'd be cool with a can of Chef Boyardee
• When deciding between a can or a bottle, opt for a canned bottle
• Pablo = Luis Garcia...close enough
• Velociraptor runs like dolphin (Tolkien sounds like dolphin)
• If the pizza shop owner begins talking in Russian, it means we're obnoxious and should sleep in the garage
• Don't take my awakeness away!
• The groundhog either lied or was drunk