Stop Pretending

All too often we spend time around the holidays pretending to be happier than we really are. Culture has us stuck in a conundrum. The American Dream is all about being the best version of ourselves, which allows no room for negative emotions. Constantly we must hold up our end of this false perception that we are truly happy with our lives and that nothing could be better than now. Truth of the matter is, we're all lying to others and ourselves.
If I'm to be honest, I'm one of the most discontented people I know. That might come as a surprise to some because I've been blessed with the opportunity to travel around the United States to volunteer with Samaritan's Purse. The problem is that part of me yearns to have a career and not to live as a vagrant, sleeping in my car as I drive 32 hours to Colorado by myself. Part of me would rather have a traveling companion as opposed to being alone all the time. Except once I reach my destination, surrounded by people, I yearn to be alone. That's the problem with me. If I'm at home, I'd rather be traveling. If I'm traveling, I'd rather be home. When I'm with people, I wish I wasn't, and when I'm alone, I wish I had company.
Too much time is spent wishing we were living someone else's life, rather than making the most of our own. I have people telling me they are jealous of my travels, when I'm secretly jealous they have childhood friends they can always depend on. Underneath our smiles, we're all secretly dying inside. Dying to just be honest about our discontent and unhappiness. Anybody who pretends to not know what I'm talking about is again just lying. I'm onto you. I know your denial of negative emotions in your life really just means you're hiding something. Many who appear happy on the exterior are deeply distraught internally because they've been taught that admitting depressive episodes is a sign of weakness. Mental health is never discussed, but brushed under the carpet. If we were free to discuss our feelings, we wouldn't feel as if we were being crushed by remarkable burdens. Isolation and being left alone to handle our unhappiness is quite possibly the biggest lie that has ever been promoted in this country.
So I challenge you to be honest with yourself and others. Admit your struggles. Admit your failings. Stop pretending you have the perfect life when you don't. But at the same time, stop comparing your life to someone else's. Your life is unique and special. You're bound to get stuck in a rut, but don't stay there. Realize what you want to achieve and then take steps forward to allow that to come to fruition.
I gave up on myself two years ago. I'm not totally sure why, but I did. I stopped striving, and as a result, my career was put on hold. I no longer enjoyed what I used to, making conversations with people difficult. They can't understand why the runner no longer runs. They can't figure out how someone with a Master's degree can't find a job. They can't figure out why someone who at times exuded joy is constantly melancholy. What doesn't help is that I have no answers to provide. I'm not who I once was, yet I don't know who I want to become. All I know is that I struggle to sit down and read like I used to, and that I really need to make time for God. He is the only solution. For Him I must stop pretending.

Life Irks Me

Maybe it's because I've been reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer, and maybe it's because of the conversation I had with my brother this morning, but I don't understand why we insist on spending our lives wasting time at jobs we hate to make money to keep up with people we don't care about in order to have possessions that are pointless. Not that I want to waste my education, but why spend the rest of my days doing something I find dull and tiresome? I wish there was a way to spend my days traveling, writing, and helping people, whether that be through disaster relief or sharing about the benefits of running. I've discovered that I'm quite the minimalist in life and would be perfectly content living out of my car bumming around the country. So why strive for a paycheck larger than what is necessary in order to live a conventional life? I feel like I'll miss out if I just stay in one spot. I'll end up doing something useless like constantly watching repeats of NCIS or Rizzoli & Isles just because I live in a house or apartment. Wouldn't my time be more well spent traveling around and sharing experiences with others, possibly writing about all of my adventures so others could live vicariously through me if they're stuck in the hubbub of daily life that is status quo America?
Why do we feel the need to torture ourselves in order to live up to supposed expectations or keep up with the people in our circle of friends? I know too many people who loathe what they're doing with their lives and it's all just to chase after the myth of the American Dream. There's no way to fill a void with possessions, friends, spouses, or children, if the root of the problem is that you aren't happy with how you conduct your life. My goal is to go against the grain and live my life to the fullest, which may not involve heaps of money. I've never been one to want much in the way of material things (except for books; I long to turn my habitat into a library), so why do I need to make six figures by working 14 hour days in the hopes that someone might look longingly at what I have? Seems like a giant circus. I'd much rather spend my time with people I love and care about than at a job I hate.

Take home points from my day:

• I have no idea why we spend time doing what we hate
• I might write a rambling book about my haphazard life
• I have no idea what to do with my life
• My brother and I are in the same boat in life

It's Funny Because I Thought About It

So last night I was out with friends at an Italian restaurant in Kutztown. It was a post-birthday birthday dinner extension whatever you wanna call it. Regardless, it was free food for me so I was happy, not to sound like a complete selfish jerk. I was super ecstatic to see a dessert called peanut butter explosion. Of course somebody had to be silly enough to ask me what it was and I promptly responded by saying it was an explosion of peanut butter...cue eye roll and a chorus of sighs. I then proceeded to entertain the waitress because I wrote something down on my hand to remember despite the fact that I had a notebook sitting on my lap. I told her it was because I wanted to remember it for later and I couldn't lose my hand unless somebody chopped it off. (Though that might be cool because I could be the female version of Captain Hook). The group's conversation then progressed into wondering whether or not you actually get drunker by drinking beer through a straw and the fact that Lu's family now has 15 beds for 4 people, which is the total opposite from her childhood. As she put it, "Four teenagers in the same room...I don't recommend it." We also got talking about the Train song "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" and how awesome it was and I pointed out the irony of a crappy purple Scion being parked in the parking lot behind us.

On a sidenote, I find it really touching that one of my friend's trusts me enough to text at like 1am to see if I'm awake and then proceed to spill out honest issues and truly ask for my advice. It means the world to me to be utilized by God in such a manner and being blessed with encouraging words to pass on via the Holy Spirit. Knowing that they could go to anybody else but opting for little me just makes me feel like I have a purpose. Sure, this person could have been talking to like five other people at the same time, but regardless, she still felt compelled to contact me and pour her heart out to me, and I'm grateful and blessed to have been able to assist the best I could.

To go off on another tangent, at 9pm tonight my brother is flying to Germany and will be gone until the end of July. I don't think I have allowed myself to fully comprehend the gravity of this. Not being able to randomly text him or hang out for 3.5 months will be a bit of a change. It just reminds me about how things in this life can change so fast. One minute you can be in the midst of a career and the next, you're  leaving that behind for a foreign country. In a sense, that's happened to me, minus the whole traveling to a foreign country. I fully expected to be working within the field of exercise physiology following the completion of my Master's degree, but that hasn't been in the cards for me. Instead, my life has been unemployment, temp jobs, Samaritan's Purse volunteer work, and realizing I'm heading back to my own personal Ninevah. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm definitely not doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I think I'm on the right path. I have no bloody clue where that path is heading, but I'm happy to be on it and so utterly thankful for the people I've met along the way. I've discovered my true family in this process, which means more to me than any job or career ever could.

Take home points from my day:

• What came first, the cocaine or the brain aneurysm? 
• Paramore's new album is epic
• Everybody must read Sparkly Green Earrings
• It's best to laugh at life and yourself
• Reality can be painful and sobering, but must be accepted as is
• Accept all emotions from God, not just the good ones
• It's important to remember your life events
• The existence of the umbrella sword makes me happy inside

Keep Your True Friends Close

These days it seems like everybody is trying to get fame and fortune. They gravitate towards people who they believe will make them more popular and appear relevant in this day and age. Truth of the matter is, surrounding yourself with the so called popular folk will just end with you getting used and abused and kicked to the curb. The people you should keep close to you are the ones who know you best. The ones who know to leave you alone when you're grieving or that you love the french toast at Perkins. The people who can say something really awkward in a text message, yet you can still tell how much they love you because they truly understand your personality. The friends worth keeping are those who remind you to be your true self in public so you don't feel the need to keep wearing that mask to gain approval from people you may never see again. Your friends should be proud of you no matter what stage of life you're in because they know you're trying your best to be you and live out your dreams. They understand the craziness in your life and offer encouragement that you are doing the right thing, even if that means no steady job exists. These are the people worth keeping. Not the ones who try to use you as a step stool or are only friends with you until somebody better comes along. Those individuals don't deserve the time of day and should never consume your mind. If you question whether someone really wants to be friends with you, you probably shouldn't be friends with them. It is better to have few friends who know you well than a stadium of people who can't even remember your full name. Know that you're worth it and that you should never feel down when spending time with a friend. If they make you feel bad about yourself, it might be time to walk away because you deserve happiness.

Take home points from my day:

• It's not worth staying mad at people; it's too exhausting
• It's confusing when people eat spinach out of a butter container
• You don't always need to hold a conversation with someone to show that you care
• Always offer a helping hand
• Writing should be for yourself, not a means to impress others

The Simple Life

Laughter is amazing! It can turn anybody's gloom into lighthearted happiness. There's no reason to take life so seriously; it's much better to question the social norms and come up with outlandish ideas and commentary. A talk about whether to home school a child and basing that decision upon living in an area that offers gatherings for homes-schooled children is much funnier given the prospect that gatherings are always near by if you live out of your car. That way you're always mobile and anything is possible! It could be the start to a great new trend, too. Why have trailer parks when one can have a car park? Gas is much cheaper than rent these days anyway. Also, why spend money for a smartphone when it would be way more fun to use smoke signals, carrier pigeons and migrating coconuts?
Life these days is just way too complicated. There's so much focus on what others have and do that nobody enjoys what they have and do. I love wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts, but when I noticed that people I'd gone to high school with and hadn't seen in seven years were coming into the pizza joint for a baby shower dressed in fashionable jeans and heels with children on their hips and another in a carrier, I felt dreadfully uncomfortable and out of place, desiring to hide my face and disappear. But when I think about it, I have nothing to be ashamed of and I don't want their lives. I'm content traveling around and volunteering and being able to wander around in my sweats. I don't do fashion and I definitely don't feel like I should be all settled down with a husband and kids at the moment. Maybe one day, but not now. And if that doesn't work out, then I can always hoard cats and be that crazy lady on a porch in a rocking chair with a pump action shotgun across her life. Whatever floats my boat, keeps me entertained, and is simple.
I have little time for having the confusion and complications of seeing if my life measures up to the people next door. I'm sure I could solve that problem really fast by just living in the middle of nowhere so I had no neighbors to compare myself to, but lets not go overboard into crazy town just yet. All I really need to do is fill my life with laughter because the happiness will follow and there won't be time for senseless comparisons. I'd rather sit around quoting Monty Python, The Marx Brothers, Eddie Izzard, and Mitch Hedberg than trying to determine who is best dressed, has the cutest house setup, or throws the best dinner party. I know I will never be queen of any of those categories, but that won't detract from my happiness at all. I'd much rather joke about how Hitler didn't play Risk as a child, witches weighing the same as a duck, hailing Freedonia, and determining it would be awful to get killed by an arrow because the cops most assuredly would walk away. And if you don't know what I'm talking about and just think I'm a crazy person, you're missing out on some classic comedy. It's okay, feel free to go back to your perfectly eloquent surroundings for your fondu party.

Take home points from my day:

• Cars that drive two only sleep one
• I'm not a high society girl
• You'll never go hungry if you know how to make mud pies
• It's okay to think of yourself before others on occasion

Wanderlust Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Today is the first day I've actually been home in 2.5 weeks. I've spent much of the year on the road doing volunteer work, playing tourist, and checking in with friends since I have the time. Many people think it's awesome that I've been practically living out of my car (only had to sleep in it once thus far) and enjoying plenty of adventures. I won't deny that they're right in the fact that my life this year has been full of fun adventures and that living day by day provides excitement (I've been in 8 states in the past 2.5 weeks), but many don't realize what must be given up and sacrificed in the process. Any semblance of consistency or a place to call home goes right out the window. Also, though I've gotten to meet some amazing people in my travels, the issue arises that you miss these folks tremendously because they live anywhere from 2-12 hours away by car. I have no routine people in my life currently, and I kind of miss that. I miss having consistent lunch or dinner plans with particular people. My life now involves me driving to see people. I feel like I am constantly having to put forth a greater effort than usual because I'm not home to ensure that I'm not alone. I can't experience the joy of a surprise visit from a long lost friend showing up on my doorstep when I have no doorstep for them to arrive at.
On the flipside, though, time spent away has helped me appreciate the little things in life. Hugs from the waitress at the local pizzeria, sharing a meal with my parents, and laughing with old friends are definitely that much sweeter after weeks on the road. Not having to be concerned about whose couch or floor I'm going to sleep on also reduces any stress built up over time on the road. From being away I've concluded that being content with where you're at and who you are is the key to success and enjoying life. If time is spent wishing to be elsewhere or with other people, the present moment isn't appreciated. The present is meant to be enjoyed, not dreaded. Each day is different from the next and when time is spent focusing on what was or what could be, happiness fades to the background. Appreciate smiles that are exchanged, the ability to run, laughter, clean clothing, and homemade cooking. These things are never guaranteed and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Take home points from my day:

• Always give a 6 week old a mohawk
• When all else fails, run away! and quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Some think it's funny that I could potentially catch on fire
• Target shooting is great stress relief
• Mud is indeed slippery
• Cat owners need cat-like reflexes to prevent felines from escaping to the outdoors