Stop Pretending

All too often we spend time around the holidays pretending to be happier than we really are. Culture has us stuck in a conundrum. The American Dream is all about being the best version of ourselves, which allows no room for negative emotions. Constantly we must hold up our end of this false perception that we are truly happy with our lives and that nothing could be better than now. Truth of the matter is, we're all lying to others and ourselves.
If I'm to be honest, I'm one of the most discontented people I know. That might come as a surprise to some because I've been blessed with the opportunity to travel around the United States to volunteer with Samaritan's Purse. The problem is that part of me yearns to have a career and not to live as a vagrant, sleeping in my car as I drive 32 hours to Colorado by myself. Part of me would rather have a traveling companion as opposed to being alone all the time. Except once I reach my destination, surrounded by people, I yearn to be alone. That's the problem with me. If I'm at home, I'd rather be traveling. If I'm traveling, I'd rather be home. When I'm with people, I wish I wasn't, and when I'm alone, I wish I had company.
Too much time is spent wishing we were living someone else's life, rather than making the most of our own. I have people telling me they are jealous of my travels, when I'm secretly jealous they have childhood friends they can always depend on. Underneath our smiles, we're all secretly dying inside. Dying to just be honest about our discontent and unhappiness. Anybody who pretends to not know what I'm talking about is again just lying. I'm onto you. I know your denial of negative emotions in your life really just means you're hiding something. Many who appear happy on the exterior are deeply distraught internally because they've been taught that admitting depressive episodes is a sign of weakness. Mental health is never discussed, but brushed under the carpet. If we were free to discuss our feelings, we wouldn't feel as if we were being crushed by remarkable burdens. Isolation and being left alone to handle our unhappiness is quite possibly the biggest lie that has ever been promoted in this country.
So I challenge you to be honest with yourself and others. Admit your struggles. Admit your failings. Stop pretending you have the perfect life when you don't. But at the same time, stop comparing your life to someone else's. Your life is unique and special. You're bound to get stuck in a rut, but don't stay there. Realize what you want to achieve and then take steps forward to allow that to come to fruition.
I gave up on myself two years ago. I'm not totally sure why, but I did. I stopped striving, and as a result, my career was put on hold. I no longer enjoyed what I used to, making conversations with people difficult. They can't understand why the runner no longer runs. They can't figure out how someone with a Master's degree can't find a job. They can't figure out why someone who at times exuded joy is constantly melancholy. What doesn't help is that I have no answers to provide. I'm not who I once was, yet I don't know who I want to become. All I know is that I struggle to sit down and read like I used to, and that I really need to make time for God. He is the only solution. For Him I must stop pretending.

Life Irks Me

Maybe it's because I've been reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer, and maybe it's because of the conversation I had with my brother this morning, but I don't understand why we insist on spending our lives wasting time at jobs we hate to make money to keep up with people we don't care about in order to have possessions that are pointless. Not that I want to waste my education, but why spend the rest of my days doing something I find dull and tiresome? I wish there was a way to spend my days traveling, writing, and helping people, whether that be through disaster relief or sharing about the benefits of running. I've discovered that I'm quite the minimalist in life and would be perfectly content living out of my car bumming around the country. So why strive for a paycheck larger than what is necessary in order to live a conventional life? I feel like I'll miss out if I just stay in one spot. I'll end up doing something useless like constantly watching repeats of NCIS or Rizzoli & Isles just because I live in a house or apartment. Wouldn't my time be more well spent traveling around and sharing experiences with others, possibly writing about all of my adventures so others could live vicariously through me if they're stuck in the hubbub of daily life that is status quo America?
Why do we feel the need to torture ourselves in order to live up to supposed expectations or keep up with the people in our circle of friends? I know too many people who loathe what they're doing with their lives and it's all just to chase after the myth of the American Dream. There's no way to fill a void with possessions, friends, spouses, or children, if the root of the problem is that you aren't happy with how you conduct your life. My goal is to go against the grain and live my life to the fullest, which may not involve heaps of money. I've never been one to want much in the way of material things (except for books; I long to turn my habitat into a library), so why do I need to make six figures by working 14 hour days in the hopes that someone might look longingly at what I have? Seems like a giant circus. I'd much rather spend my time with people I love and care about than at a job I hate.

Take home points from my day:

• I have no idea why we spend time doing what we hate
• I might write a rambling book about my haphazard life
• I have no idea what to do with my life
• My brother and I are in the same boat in life

SAD

I'm currently in North Carolina and should be feeling exuberant and thrilled to be in one of the few places where I feel at home, but alas, it's rainy and dreary out and I just don't feel like myself. Maybe it's a touch of seasonal affective disorder; maybe not, but it's always fun to self diagnose yourself with a mental disorder. I wish I felt happier and carefree, but all I can think about is how my life isn't exactly going as planned, though I'm not really in control of that despite what mainstream media and countless self help books might have you believe. I know there is a plan and a purpose behind it all and I'm glad that my volunteer vagabondness has been inspiring to some, but it's still not exactly what I ever had in mind for myself.
On a slightly positive note, I'm glad I'm not isolated and at home, but at the same time, I'm not accustomed to being thrust into community everyday. I guess I shouldn't really say thrust because I go voluntarily, but I'm definitely sensing that I'm outside my comfort zone and it's beginning to get a tad overwhelming for my brain. I don't know how my friend appears to so easily glide through these community events, though I know it's not easy for her because she's an introvert just like me and sometimes struggles with the concept of community. I guess she just has more practice. I feel bad because small talk really isn't my strong suit, so I spend a lot of time just standing or sitting around listening to people and not contributing a whole lot. Sure there's lots on my mind, but it doesn't always go with what's being discussed and nothing is worse than telling a completely unrelated story and just getting blank stares from people followed by anyway...Okay so there probably much worse things to deal with in life in the grand scheme of things, but in my little bubble of a life at the moment, that's just a complete nightmare to endure.
Part of me feels bad not expressing these feelings out loud, but I've never been good at talking about my feelings in the moment. I can always tell people after the fact and maybe that's because I don't want to garner unnecessary attention or sympathy. Being the center of attention for any reason is one of my least favorite things, but I guess it has to happen sometimes. I think something else I'm not used to that I've realized on this visit is the fact that people have looked forward to meeting or seeing me. I feel like that rarely happens sans a handful of close friends. Otherwise, nobody ever expresses distinct interest in my existence. It's a nice feeling to have people want to hold a BBQ just because I'm in town and being told that their daughter was so happy to finally meet me. I'm flattered honestly, but at the same time, it's so totally weird and I don't really know how to respond with anything other than an awkward thank you. Not that I haven't been worthwhile to get to know in the past, but I think I've been so good at keeping to myself that not many people really know me or my crazy personality. I tend to keep it under wraps because I just make the assumption I won't fit in so I don't even bother to try. I know, it sounds crazy. Welcome to my world.

Take home points from my morning:

• It's time to accept life outside of my comfort zone
• I need to make more of an effort at small talk
• It's okay to be a bum on the couch on a dreary day