Stop Pretending

All too often we spend time around the holidays pretending to be happier than we really are. Culture has us stuck in a conundrum. The American Dream is all about being the best version of ourselves, which allows no room for negative emotions. Constantly we must hold up our end of this false perception that we are truly happy with our lives and that nothing could be better than now. Truth of the matter is, we're all lying to others and ourselves.
If I'm to be honest, I'm one of the most discontented people I know. That might come as a surprise to some because I've been blessed with the opportunity to travel around the United States to volunteer with Samaritan's Purse. The problem is that part of me yearns to have a career and not to live as a vagrant, sleeping in my car as I drive 32 hours to Colorado by myself. Part of me would rather have a traveling companion as opposed to being alone all the time. Except once I reach my destination, surrounded by people, I yearn to be alone. That's the problem with me. If I'm at home, I'd rather be traveling. If I'm traveling, I'd rather be home. When I'm with people, I wish I wasn't, and when I'm alone, I wish I had company.
Too much time is spent wishing we were living someone else's life, rather than making the most of our own. I have people telling me they are jealous of my travels, when I'm secretly jealous they have childhood friends they can always depend on. Underneath our smiles, we're all secretly dying inside. Dying to just be honest about our discontent and unhappiness. Anybody who pretends to not know what I'm talking about is again just lying. I'm onto you. I know your denial of negative emotions in your life really just means you're hiding something. Many who appear happy on the exterior are deeply distraught internally because they've been taught that admitting depressive episodes is a sign of weakness. Mental health is never discussed, but brushed under the carpet. If we were free to discuss our feelings, we wouldn't feel as if we were being crushed by remarkable burdens. Isolation and being left alone to handle our unhappiness is quite possibly the biggest lie that has ever been promoted in this country.
So I challenge you to be honest with yourself and others. Admit your struggles. Admit your failings. Stop pretending you have the perfect life when you don't. But at the same time, stop comparing your life to someone else's. Your life is unique and special. You're bound to get stuck in a rut, but don't stay there. Realize what you want to achieve and then take steps forward to allow that to come to fruition.
I gave up on myself two years ago. I'm not totally sure why, but I did. I stopped striving, and as a result, my career was put on hold. I no longer enjoyed what I used to, making conversations with people difficult. They can't understand why the runner no longer runs. They can't figure out how someone with a Master's degree can't find a job. They can't figure out why someone who at times exuded joy is constantly melancholy. What doesn't help is that I have no answers to provide. I'm not who I once was, yet I don't know who I want to become. All I know is that I struggle to sit down and read like I used to, and that I really need to make time for God. He is the only solution. For Him I must stop pretending.

There's Always Room For Plan B

I get so frustrated by the need for plans. They are thoroughly and completely pointless because if they aren't meant to happen, they're bound to fall apart. Take today for exampl. I was supposed to go to NYC with a friend of mine from college, just like old times. We stood outside the bus station in the snow for about a half hour with no sign of the bus. It was running late and I was quite tired of the snow, so we started discussing alternative options. Once I heard that Silver Linings Playbook was playing at the movie theater, I jumped for joy at the thought of being able to see a flick I've been wanting and unable to see for months. We decided to commit to Plan B and began walking up the street, ironically passing the bus we had been so eagerly waiting for only a few minutes ago.
This new plan required killing two hours, but that was quickly solved by opting to entertain ourselves in an Irish beer drinking establishment given it's the day before St. Patrick's Day. Our options were The Porch and The Cellar. Given the latter's door was locked, we opted for Plan B: The Porch. There we were able to enjoy some chips, an overflowing Guinness, and have outlandish discussions about how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse (clearly by acquiring Bigfoot on a leash), trying to determine whether or not people from Wisconsin badger others, and the fact that there was a menu item entitled bangers and mashed.
On to Silver Linings Playbook. I'm totally a fan of this movie for so many reasons! The acting is great, it maintains your attention, but particularly, it's because I relate best to craziness and chaos and this movie really brings mental illness into the forefront of your mind. I think it's important for people to be aware of the mental struggles that some deal with on a daily basis, whether it be depression, bipolar, etc. The stigma needs to stop that it's bad to be "crazy," when for some, that's completely normal. It's a constant battle, and these people need support as much as anybody else who deals with any other illness. But back to the movie, I could totally relate to part of what Tiffany was dealing with when she spoke of feeling empty about helping so many people who never offered her anything in return. Now that might come across as selfish, but it's the honest truth. I won't sit here and tell you that it's easy to always be there for others. It can be mentally and emotionally draining over time. But I think one of my favorite quotes came from Pat at the very end of the movie when he said, "The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else." It's so true! The world is a harsh environment with its own blend of chaos, and there's no solution or explanation behind it.
On another tangent, I've never been the biggest fan of Disney movies or the cookie-cutter suburbs because there's too much gloss and fakeness, not that that's even a word, but it is now! (If "bootylicious" can make it into the dictionary, anything can!) Anyways, I just don't like anything or anybody that's putting on airs and acting like everything in life is perfect and flawless. The truth of the matter is that anybody who believes that is delusional. Life is messy and chaotic and never goes the way you think it will. You can plan all you want, but it'll never function according to that layout. My point is, why lie about things breaking down and falling apart? We all have issues and dilemmas that we'd be much better off sharing, rather than masking and hiding. Nobody should be afraid to share their true self with anybody.
The moral of the story is that we should never let life get us down when it doesn't go according to plan. Look for open doors and opportunities and always be willing to keep your options open. You never know what kind of fun is just around the corner.

Take home points from my day:

• I dress like a hipster hobo
• I resemble an orange snow-cone
• Life's too short to not act like yourself
• Enjoy time with old friends
• As Billy Joel said, "You may be right. I may be crazy."
• There are some who prefer to drink alcohol separate from their food
• Managing to get Bigfoot on a leash would be nothing short of a miracle
• Trust that new friends want to hear all about you: the good, bad, and ugly